Self love has always been something that I have found hard to do. Growing up, I was the misfit in school. It seemed as though everyone around me was better, prettier or more intelligent than me. I was a child who was on the heavier side and the people around me made it known that I was bigger for a middle school student. I have been called ‘fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘stupid’ and the list goes on and on. I never quite understood why I was always on the other end for the harsh words people were using and it seemed as though everyone was against me.
To be completely frank, I victimized myself in most situations. I never stood up to the people who were rude to me and I let myself become this person everyone would walk over. I would wallow and cry and feel bad for myself instead of standing up for myself. Being sad about it seemed a lot easier than taking action anyway. I was surrounded by people who were toxic and I attempted to find love in everything and everyone else but myself. I got into a relationship with someone who I knew was not the best of people and I was so caught up in lies and convincing myself that someone else loved me that I stopped listening to my brain and made every decision with my heart. For one and a half years I let someone else control each of my emotions. I lost sight of who I was and immersed myself in someone else. I didn’t quite realize how deep into toxicity I was until I got over it. I soon realized that the person I was so loyal to and what I believe to be in love with was being disloyal to me. Finding out about that, made my heart sink. I was forced to fall out of love with someone in a matter of minutes even when I didn’t want to. I still wanted to continue loving that person even after finding out what he did.
When I was facing these emotions, I realized just how bad it was for me. I was ready to continue to love someone who had broken my heart and my trust. It was during this time I made the decision to channel all the love I had for the world, into myself. It wasn’t easy to do so when it seemed as though everyone around me disliked me. I started small by buying new clothes every now and then and working out. It then progressed to spending more time with myself. I took a day off in a week where I didn’t do anything but exist. I would walk around my building and try to avoid using my phone or watching TV.
I, then started to realize just how much fun I have with myself. I had no one but me to go through the pain of the breakup and everything that was going on in my life. I realized how strong I was and what I was capable of. I was exhilarating to realize that I didn’t need anyone’s validation but my own. The way I’m describing it may seem juvenile or simply but the process is far from it. I remember looking into the mirror and absolutely hating the person staring back at me. I was ashamed of myself and everything I was. It took me a long time but now I am at a place in my life where I am the most happy I have ever been.
I love myself and will always put myself first. I have now surrounded myself with people who support me unconditionally and anytime I sense any sort of negativity in my life, I cut them off. I sincerely hope everyone reading this realizes their worth and how amazing they are. You don’t need
anyone to tell you what your value is. You are much more than just enough.
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